The Hypocritical Oath

Didn't Walt Whitman once say: "Do I contradict myself?  Very well, I contradict myself.  I am large.  I contain multitudes."  The Republicans seem to have taken Whitman to heart, more than they themselves realize.  Of course, Whitman didn't exactly mean it the way that Republicans do.  What Whitman meant was that the sophisticated mind is capable of simultaneously holding contradictory ideas and evaluating them.  Republicans, though, lack that ability completely.  For them, the concept that works is simply not holding any ideas in your mind for any length of time, so that when you say something that is the exact opposite of what you said earlier, there's no contradiction; you never said the previous thing.  That's why hypocrisy, for a Republican, is the same as breathing for the rest of us.

In honor of Walt Whitman (one of my favorite poets, incidentally), I hereby propose the following pledge for all Republicans to take.  As enthusiastic as they are about signing pledges (see today's NY Times), I have no doubt that Republicans will be knocking each other over to be first in line to sign my new pledge, called "The Hypocritic Oath:"

I (fill in name), a Republican, hereby do solemnly swear, pledge, promise, and vow, always and without fail to be a hypocrite.  By this I mean that I will invariably practice in my own personal life the opposite of what I preach should be the behavior of others.  For example, I will cheat on my pregnant wife with a member of my household staff while campaigning for "family values."  In addition, I will vote against my own previous votes.  For example, I will pass universal health care in my own state, then campaign against it for everyone else.  As another example, I will author and vigorously promote a deficit-reduction plan but then oppose it with equal ferocity as soon as a Democratic president supports it.  In short, I will faithfully and to the best of my ability speak and act like a hypocrite, all the time.

Now, there's a pledge that Republicans should be able to get behind.

What to do about the Republicans

The target of today's rant (and that of the majority of them long into the future, I suspect) is everybody's favorite punching bag, Republicans.

Let's see:  During the Bush administration, for 7 out of 8 years of which the entire government was under Republican control, the debt limit was raised 7 times.  I can't recall a single time when any Republican raised any objections to that, or even talked about it at all.  But back then, of course, the Republicans' slogan was "deficits don't matter," as they methodically drove it toward its current levels.

Since the Republicans have long since proven that the only thing they are good at is continually refining the definition of "hypocrisy," I hereby propose the following solution to deal with their annoying, insulting, and ultimately profoundly America-hating rhetoric:

All Republicans are required to immediately and fully abdicate any and all involvement in the U.S. government.  They have recently bitched, loudly and belligerently, that the government is too big.  To show just a bit of fidelity to their own values, all Republican politicians should immediately resign their posts and donate their entire salaries, benefits and all assets to a board representing America's major corporate giants, which will then distribute the proceeds from the sale of the aforementioned assets as they see fit, to America's wealthiest "citizens."

Any Republican "elected" official who refuses to participate in this entirely voluntary action should then be offered the option of either continuing to work for the government without pay for a minimum contracted 10 year period, or joining the military as uniformed servicemen/ women (also a minimum 10-year contract).