Didn't Walt Whitman once say: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes." The Republicans seem to have taken Whitman to heart, more than they themselves realize. Of course, Whitman didn't exactly mean it the way that Republicans do. What Whitman meant was that the sophisticated mind is capable of simultaneously holding contradictory ideas and evaluating them. Republicans, though, lack that ability completely. For them, the concept that works is simply not holding any ideas in your mind for any length of time, so that when you say something that is the exact opposite of what you said earlier, there's no contradiction; you never said the previous thing. That's why hypocrisy, for a Republican, is the same as breathing for the rest of us.
In honor of Walt Whitman (one of my favorite poets, incidentally), I hereby propose the following pledge for all Republicans to take. As enthusiastic as they are about signing pledges (see today's NY Times), I have no doubt that Republicans will be knocking each other over to be first in line to sign my new pledge, called "The Hypocritic Oath:"
I (fill in name), a Republican, hereby do solemnly swear, pledge, promise, and vow, always and without fail to be a hypocrite. By this I mean that I will invariably practice in my own personal life the opposite of what I preach should be the behavior of others. For example, I will cheat on my pregnant wife with a member of my household staff while campaigning for "family values." In addition, I will vote against my own previous votes. For example, I will pass universal health care in my own state, then campaign against it for everyone else. As another example, I will author and vigorously promote a deficit-reduction plan but then oppose it with equal ferocity as soon as a Democratic president supports it. In short, I will faithfully and to the best of my ability speak and act like a hypocrite, all the time.
Now, there's a pledge that Republicans should be able to get behind.
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